The look of disgust dressed up as confusion, hurt and insecurity

Today I had lunch with my cousin and we were discussing “Married At First Sight UK’ currently on TV.

‘That George Hon, he’s trouble,’ I said. ‘His jealousy and manipulation is off the chats. He’s got issues and that is NOT going to be a healthy relationship, April has already shrunk as a person.’

When I first saw his ‘audition’ interview I fell in love with this man — poor tortured soul, he’d been cheated on badly and it had really effected him.’ At their wedding I was so happy they were so happy but when April triggered him by apparently cheating on him on honeymoon I thought she was awful. Turned out it was a minor kiss with another woman during a game of truth or dare, not even a snog.

My cousin gritted her teeth and said ‘Oh Liz, you’re not going to like this…….’
I pretty much knew what was coming. Turns out that George has been arrested for coercive control and behaviour after three exes came forward independently with accusations of emotional abuse against them.

While this saddened me it did not surprise me. Jealousy is so often used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour, shame and gas-lighting. As a way to get unwavering sympathy and being let off the hook over and over. The ‘it’s not my fault it’s my exe’s/s and what she/they did to me’ BS that so many of us see as something we can fix, help them to heal from or bend to shrink and fit what they tell us they need from us. PLEASE DO NOT BE THAT PERSON.

Please do not be like one of my current clients, believing her ex boyfriend’s excuses and forgiving the few times he hinted to her that he hadn’t been very nice to his cheating ex before her, before she cheated on him and especially afterwards. Never did she think he would ever have done what she later found out he did to his ex. She believed that he was the kindest, most loving and amazing man. The love of her life who built her up in so many ways. She honestly thought she’d found ‘the one’ after her failed marriage. Alas, all this relationship really caused was my client to question herself, her own sanity and be left with an untold amount of trauma and darkness to heal from.

My client says that if Covid hadn’t hit during their honeymoon period, she now knows life with her ex would have been incredibly different. Cut off from the outside world worked OK in their little bubble to some extent, but instead of the usual overt jealousy we would hope to notice as a red flag, he focussed his attention on one of her exes. He gave her absolute hell from six months in to their relationship onwards, in between the love-bombing and passionate make ups they always had to keep her forgiving and obsessed with him, as well as believing that everything was her fault.

RED, RED, RED FLAG WARNINGS.

I find it pretty disgraceful that there is such a huge lack of mental health assistance and coaching given to the contestants on programmes like Married At First Sight and Love Island (see my Blog series ‘Love Island Lessons’ over on my website or Medium).

For example, the way one of the contestant’s Tom has been able to speak to many of the other contestants without ever being held to account or even spoken to. The reasons he flies off the handle are clearly due to his issues, yet they’ve never been identified, let alone addressed. The show’s ‘relationship experts’ (who’s skills at pairing these couple are questionable at best) don’t seem to be able to do anything that’s not surface level or for the cameras.

Poor April, George’s wife has had her heart destroyed and her life turned upside-down by this man who she was willing to give up everything for and move from London to Birmingham to be with. This scenario is so often the case for those of us who are in an abusive relationship. We’re willing to give up everything to make it work. What do our abusers give up exactly? Absolutely nothing. They don’t know how lucky they are and never value it, even though they will say they do.

In some ways, the positives in this scenario of being able to teach and warn others is a great thing. But wouldn’t it be nice if that wasn’t needed? If people like my client and others, so many people I now know who have been through this that I have met since my own experience. If only we didn’t have to share our stories and trauma as a way of educating and helping others. If only sharing our stories as part of our healing wasn’t even needed because we weren’t left broken by people like George in the first place, as well as all the other abusers who sadly walk alongside, in front and behind him.

Please, don’t be that person. If you’re close, use this as a catalyst so other’s suffering isn’t in vain. If you’ve already been through it, you will need help to process and overcome the trauma you’ve been through.

If you would like a caring EFT Coach who knows what it’s like when you think you’re loosing your mind, when you feel damaged beyond repair, then please reach out to me and let’s set up a time to chat about working together to get you out of the darkness and into the light. It is possible and with the right help you’ll get there so much faster.

And if anyone reading this knows April, please send that poor girl my way.

With love

Liz x

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